


Integrity

by fromGallifreytoGallitep (sykira)



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Challenge Response, F/M, Gift Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-20 23:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21289880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sykira/pseuds/fromGallifreytoGallitep
Summary: Julian Bashir and Ezri Dax navigate beginning a relationship and her adjustment to having a symbiont.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Ezri Dax
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	Integrity

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for a livejournal fic exchange in 2006 - hence not my usual pairing. Probably OOC and non-canon-compliant.

They tumbled into Bashir’s quarters, still on a high from a successful spy mission, still shaky from the near misses their little sports car experienced hurtling down the mountainside highway, fleeing the dastardly villain and thwarting his attempt at world domination. It didn’t hurt that they had also indulged in Quark’s not-quite-synthehol generous martinis to set the mood, and then again later to celebrate their stealthy spy endeavors.

“Saving the world is hard work, m’dear, but somehow I always pull it off without a crease in my dinner jacket nor a wrinkle in my suave secret agent composure.” 

Ezri grinned. “Is there nothing that can get under your skin, my dashing secret agent man?” She purred, grinning up at him as her fingers undid the buttons on the aforementioned dinner attire. 

Julian winked at her before engulfing her in a bear hug that ended in a deep and lingering kiss. She was so much fun. Holodeck spy programs had taken on a fresh appeal for him now he had a flesh and blood honeypot spy of his very own to play with. He followed Ezri as she guided him over to the bedroom, helping him to discard his jacket, then his shirt on the way. In return, he slid her shimmery wrap from her shoulders and started working on the ties on her little black dress. 

He paused as the silky material started to slip off her shoulders then raised his hand to tilt her chin up slightly. This was further than they had gone before, their fledging relationship still so new. They held each other’s gaze for a moment, then Ezri brought his hand lower to cup her breast.

Julian’s breath caught, but he schooled his features to stay calm (even if other parts of him were very much otherwise).

They stayed that way for a beat then suddenly Julian scooped her up in his arms and deposited her lightly on his bed. Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered that such a debonair maneuver wouldn’t have been accomplished quite so gracefully with a certain less diminutive Dax host. Then he banished that thought from his mind before he could even form her name in his head. What had Ezri said earlier? No more thinking. 

“That’s my kind of counselor.” He mumbled into her hair. She didn’t appear to notice, so intent she was on removing the rest of his carefully tailored outfit that hadn’t yet made it to the pile of clothes on the floor. 

“Did you say something, darling?”

“No more thinking.” 

He leaned in to kiss her, feeling her lips curve into a smile. She kissed him back passionately, pushing him back on his pillows and entangling her fingers in his hair. 

Then she stopped. She let her hands fall away, trailing down his chest and then sat back on the bed.

Julian sat up to follow her. Picking up where Ezri left off, he started to trace his fingertips from the spots on her temple down the delicate curve of her neck, punctuating his touch with kisses along her collarbone until she squirmed under his caress.

“Ticklish?”

She shrugged up at him.

“Well, maybe we should find out.”

Julian moved toward her again and Ezri laughed a little, seemingly unsure of herself. Her hands were twisting together in her lap. He stopped. Something had changed, and he didn’t know what. His fingers wanted to follow the trail of spots along paths already well traveled by his imagination. Instead, he stilled her busy hands within both of his own, forcing himself to slow down his desire for now. 

Moments passed while neither said anything. Once he had steadied his breathing, Julian asked quietly, 

“Ezri, is everything okay?”

She nodded quickly. “I’m fine. Don’t stop, I like what… whatever it is you’re doing.”

She lifted his fingers back to her throat, but her eyes betrayed her uncertainty. Julian redirected her hands to his lips and held them their for one brief moment before releasing them. He waited. 

Ezri fidgeted. Eventually she broke the silence.

“Why did you stop, is something wrong, is it me?”

“Tonight is about what you want, Ezri. We can go as fast or as slow as you want. We can do anything you want and nothing you don’t.” Julian spoke with quiet gentleness.

He paused, she had ducked her head so he wouldn’t see her eyes suddenly fill up with tears, but it was too late. She quickly blinked them away. What was going on here? 

“Darling, I don’t believe you are upset because you think I don’t want you. You know how I feel about you, we both know where tonight was going…I wasn’t the one to break things off here.”

“I’m sorry, Julian, I-“

“No! Don’t be sorry, you have nothing to apologize for. Just tell me the truth, okay? If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s all right, just please, just be honest with me. This isn’t…”

He broke off and took a breath. “Ezri, you mean a lot to me. I’ve dated a lot of women in the last few years, and this isn’t about that for me. This is not… this thing between us isn’t casual. I take our relationship very seriously. I’m not just here to have fun or to have…just a physical… uh…” He sighed. “I am usually a little more articulate.”

She was smiling a little now, seemingly disarmed by his fumbling for the right words, and moved by his earnestness. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Seeing as how we don’t have to be articulate,” her smile broadened, “I’d like to try to explain. But you’ll have to bear with me, because I don’t really understand myself.”

He nodded, feeling hopeful but wanting to give her the space she needed. Ezri took a deep breath, and looked away from him, trying to gather herself.

“I feel like, like you’re here, and I’m here, but there are all these other people here too.”

Her hands fluttered to her stomach, without her even noticing.

“It’s like…like my head is crowded and I can’t just be alone with you, you and me.”

Julian waited, watching her carefully. But when she didn’t offer more explanation, he ventured a question, trying to understand.

“These feelings, they are related to the symbiont, to being joined?”

She nodded.

“Did you feel this way when you were with Worf?”

Ezri appeared taken aback at the mention of her previous lover. She stood abruptly and began pacing the floor.

“No. I couldn’t even try to integrate the other hosts with myself back then, everything was all too new and weird and uncomfortable, I mostly tried to ignore them. I don’t think I even knew what was me and what was someone else.”

She paused, considering. “With Worf it was more like I wasn’t even there at all. Except physically.” Her voice caught on the last word and she looked down.

“Ezri it’s ok, you don’t have to explain.” 

“No, I want to. What happened with Worf…it was not…”

She paused and looked away from him. The tension was palpable, and Julian hated to see her miserable. If she wanted to talk about this, then let’s get it over with, he decided.

“Not planned?” he supplied, trying to be helpful.

“… not me.”

Ezri blinked.

“What I mean is, I didn’t want to…with Worf, it wasn’t what I wanted. I, Ezri that is. Other “I’s” in me seemed to want it, sometimes Jadzia is so strong. Julian I don’t want you to think that I would do that kind of thing on impulse, especially with someone I don’t even know…except I do know him, I know him and I love him except that’s Jadzia and…” 

Ezri’s words faltered as Julian stepped forward and enfolded her fluttering hands in his.

“Shh, it’s okay. We don’t have to do anything, at all. I can wait, until you’re ready, until you know what you want.”

“No! I want this, I do! Me! Ezri! It’s just…I think I do.” 

Her brow furrowed, trying to clear her thoughts. It was really quite endearing.

“Julian, Jadzia had a lot of feelings for you, I don’t think she ever fully sorted them out, so I certainly don’t know how to.”

“You think that the way you feel, that it is simply an expression of Jadzia?”

Julian’s voice was quiet as he tried to hold back the intensity he felt the mention of Dax’s previous host.

“No, it’s not just her. It can’t be, it…it’s different, very different. I’m so sorry Julian, I’m making a mess of this.”

Julian sighed. The evening was not going quite as he had planned it either. He felt the need to take charge, Ezri was floundering in her explanation like a butterfly trapped in a shuttlecraft. He wanted to help her, to ease her confusion and calm her nerves. He had felt this same urge with Jadzia, but Jadzia had never needed him like Ezri did. Jadzia had always been calm and collected. Gosh, it took her to nearly freeze to death trapped in a conduit before he had even begun to feel useful, to feel like for once he wasn’t the weaker person in the situation. But now here was Ezri, and it was different. Still holding her hands, Julian guided her gently to sit with him on the edge of the bed, and spoke carefully,

“What happened with Worf, it was your choice Ezri. Jadzia was maybe in there somewhere, but the memories from the symbiont wouldn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to do. I know things are confusing right now--"

“No. It’s not that straightforward, you sound like a mouthpiece for the Trill symbiosis council.” Ezri laughed wryly, and continued. “Maybe if I’d had the lifetime of training, if I was prepared…but it is more than just the memories, all these people, they are part of me, they are so strong. I don’t know how much of me made a choice that night, I don’t know that I ever will. But I know that it’s not just me anymore, making the choices about what happens to this body.”

Her words hung between them. Julian was suddenly keenly aware of his state of undress. He slowly released her hands and reached for his shirt. But before he could put it on, Ezri stopped him by grabbing the sleeve.

“I’ve ruined our night. You’re pulling away from me now.”

“I’m not going anywhere. And nothing is ruined. We just need to slow down some, let you find out what you want from this, from us.”

“I want what you want Julian. I’m falling in love with you, please, don’t let me screw this up. I want a real relationship, for real, like you said. Julian and Ezri.”

They regarded each other for a moment, both still clinging to his shirt as if it were some kind of lifeline.

“If I don’t know what I want, or how to figure it out from what all the other hosts want, then let me surrender to you, Julian. You choose. Here I am. I trust you.”

Ezri grasped his hands and entwined her fingers with his long graceful digits. She looked up at him with wide eyes that seemed to beseech him to understand, to give her what she needed.

The doctor let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, and looked down at her, this slight yet tough little Trill, imploring him with her dark eyes. She looked so young in that moment, no trace of that age-old air of wisdom that allowed Jadzia to sail through life, poised and together. Ezri was lost. Julian wanted nothing more than to help her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently guided her to sit next to him on the couch in the living area, out of the bedroom.

He chose his words carefully.

“I want to help Ezri. And I’m honored by your faith in me. But I want to help you find what you want. I’m not going to push you into any-”

“No! Julian, I need this, don’t back off. I need your help, or I’m nowhere, please!”

Ezri pulled away from his side and spun around to face him, brow wrinkled in consternation, lifting her fists to his chest. Julian covered her hands with his own and drew her back down into his embrace, shushing her distressed protestations. He sighed inwardly. He was losing this battle, and he knew it. Alright then, if she would trust him, he would live up to that, he could do this.

“Easy, hey, okay, it’s okay. We can do this, if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure” she mumbled against his chest, and quieted, waiting.

“Alright. I’ll take care of you Ezri, it’s going to be okay.”

They sat there for a while, Ezri nestled against his chest. Neither said anything. The almost imperceptible thrum of the station and the occasional flicker of computer lights provided a comforting backdrop to their companionship. Eventually Julian shifted a little on the couch.

“Okay.”

His tone was resolute.

“Okay?” Ezri echoed, reluctantly sitting up.

“You have shown a lot of trust in me, Ezri Tigan Dax. It’s time for a little reciprocation.”

She regarded him thoughtfully. He continued,

“I’m feeling a little, uh, under-dressed here. But it’s late, and I don’t feel like putting my evening clothes back on at this hour.”

He got up from the couch and went into his bedroom. In a moment he returned with a bundle in his arms. Ezri looked bemused.

“It is time to trust you with one of my secrets.” 

He handled her the bundle and she unfolded what turned out to be soft brushed cotton pyjamas, a little old-fashioned, they even had stripes and a little pocket. Ezri dissolved into giggles, and any remaining tension between them evaporated.

Julian returned her smile. “Hardly the sexiest of sleepwear-“

She cut him off, “I love them! They’re perfect. Put them on!”

“Well if you insist…”

\-----------------

The evening had started out well. They had a delicious meal and caught a performance by Bajoran musicians at the Colonel’s invitation. Afterward they went for a walk on the promenade, it was late and they were mostly alone, neither of them ready to call it a night they were lost in conversation about cultural relativism, of all things. And that was when the evening got off track. Ezri had been having trouble with intrusive echoes and opinions from her past. Well, from all her pasts, Julian mused. Anthropological exploration turned out to a topic upon which Dax, in all their incarnations, had a depth of rich experiences. 

He reached out and delicately stroked away the furrowed lines that had appeared on Ezri’s forehead as she told one more story, only to break off halfway through and admit that she wasn’t even certain that the memory was her own.

“We are just Ezri and Julian tonight, okay? I’ve been hearing about Dax’s previous hosts for years. For now I just want to get to know Ezri.”

She nodded, her eyes searching his, still uncertain.

“How about this: Let’s talk about your childhood. I want to hear about what a perfect day from your childhood would have been like. I want to know if you had nicknames, if you had friends, who were your enemies, I want to know everything about you Ezri. Good and bad, ugly and beautiful. But when memories come from others, Jadzia, Tobin or whomever… What if you tried to think of those as being from a book you just read. Not to have to suppress them, but just to select instead Ezri’s memories.”

Ezri considered this for a moment, drawing her lower lip between her teeth in a way that melted Julian’s heart every time. He just wanted to- 

…well heck, why not? She trusted him, and they were under no pretense that their relationship was chaste, and wasn’t the whole point of this to remind both of them that she was not Jadzia? So Julian did something he would never have been forward enough to do with Dax’s prior host. He closed the distance between them, leaned down and tilted Ezri’s chin up gently with just one finger, then kissed her, with passion and without apology, claiming that lower lip as his own.

Some time later he drew back and met her wide-eyed stunned expression with a mischievous grin. Then he stepped back and returned to their discussion as if nothing had happened. 

He directed their conversation to what their lives were like as children. Ezri recovered more slowly, and if he could be excused for flattering himself with the observation, Julian was quite certain that his young date was now thoroughly aroused. Well, he surmised, if I leave her wanting more, then she is wanting something, something that is all us, and no-one else. 

\---------------

It was not long before their evening interludes featured many embraces, stolen kisses and discreet touches. But ever since that night when they had made the pact that Julian would take the lead, it was not lost on Ezri that he was always careful to steer them away from spending time alone in either his quarters or hers. Eventually one night after he had walked her home from dinner at Quark’s they stumbled a little against the door of her quarters as they kissed goodnight, still giddy from too much spring wine. 

Too much wine, and not enough coherent thought. Hmm… no more thought, Ezri had decided when Quark produced yet another “special reserve” bottle and she knew they should be getting some sleep for the Colonel’s staff meeting in the morning. No more thinking, more doing. “Doing!” she exclaimed, and the doctor gently nuzzled her neck in reply.

“Goodnight love.” He whispered, planting one last soft kiss on her forehead.

Ezri couldn’t contain herself anymore. She grabbed his hand as he turned to leave.

“Julian.”

He turned back around, and inclined his head.

“Don’t go.”

He waited, watching her but saying nothing.

“Why do you always turn down my invitation to come inside? We could just have some coffee and talk some more.”

Julian stepped closer and lightly rested his hands on her shoulders. When he spoke his voice was very soft.

“I don’t think you are ready, love. I don’t want to put us in a situation where…things could get out of control.”

“But, Julian…it’s what you want, remember? There’s nothing you could do that wouldn’t be okay with me. I know you want to.”

She smiled, somehow feeling coy and bashful both at once, hoping her smile would be hard to resist.

“Ezri, in this…” he gestured vaguely at the door to her quarters, “in this part of our relationship, it can’t be just what I want. Or at least, I can’t completely take the lead. It doesn’t feel right. But when you’re ready, you let me know.”

“I’m ready!”

He smiled, and continued, “I don’t just mean in the moment. I mean, take your time, there’s no rush, okay?”

Ezri felt herself fall more deeply in love with this beautiful, sensitive man. For someone who spoke of an extensive dating history, he seemed so emotionally raw in her hands, and so determined to pursue their real relationship. He leaned down and brushed his lips across hers, whispering good night, before turning and heading to his quarters.

Ezri watched the doctor walk away until he disappeared around the corner. She chewed her lower lip thoughtfully, then went inside her room. Somewhere she had a certain lacy, flimsy slip of a nightgown, and tonight it wouldn’t go to waste. She changed quickly then skipped over to the computer terminal.

“Computer, initiate emergency transport, code Tigan one.”

Moments later, on the other side of the habitat ring, Julian entered his quarters, and found to his surprise that he was not alone. Ezri Dax knew what she wanted that night.


End file.
